Here I am, four weeks into it…

And I’m at split ends.

Sheesh.

I had such high hopes. But here I am, four weeks into it and I remember why I so badly wanted out.

God blessed me and got me out.

Then he blessed me again and let me back in.

Writer’s need a day job. Any writer will tell you that.

Well, I’ve got my day job, now where’s the writing?

Right now I’m in a hotel room and tomorrow I’ll start a two day class. Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with writing and everything to do with the company that issues my paycheck. I do the math and I wonder how we managed as long as we did.

I keep reminding myself that the more I work, the more I can fund my dream… Even though, working takes away from my dream – and more, it takes time away from my family.

My daughter is thriving. She is with family and they are good to her. Some days I look at her and wish I’d done a better job.

Sometimes, I still just want five minutes to myself.

God help me, when will I ever be happy?

I feel myself pulled back… Toward the vaccuum. It will scrape your flesh until that’s all you feel and that’s all you think about. I had cleaned up so well, but as every minute passes inside that tiny cubicle, headset sucking the life out of me with every call, I feel myself letting old habits return.

And the Casting Crowns song “Slow Fade” is always reminding me why I can’t let myself be lead toward the popular, toward the world… Be careful little feet where you go, it’s the little feet behind you that are sure to follow…



God has a plan. And He’s working on me, through me, even when I don’t realize it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to write. Who’s my audience? It’s like I’d be writing a lie, to write so clean, for the publisher I thought I’d be a good fit for, the one I pitched to and received an invitation. One I haven’t revisited…

Fear?

Of course I’m afraid.

I want to deliver a big story in a small package, but I don’t think the people I want to reach would pick up a book from the publisher I’ve considered targeting.

I’m a Christian, but I’m flawed.

Big time.

That’s the character I want to portray.

Those are the ones I want to reach. People who are ten steps behind me. In places I’ve been before. Can you lend someone a hand from a story? Can you encourage someone to grow from a book of fiction?

I can’t, but I know God can.

Comments

  1. Cecelia Dowdy says:

    I know what you mean about wanting to quit your dayjob and write. Join the club. I’ve been wanting to quit my day job since 1994, but I’m still plugging away. Having a few published novels did not do much to help with my income….bummer…

  2. Christy LaShea says:

    But Cecelia, you found the time to write, because you’re finishing novels, so that’s what’s important. You’re pursuing your dream and one day, when the time is write you can quit the day job.

    Prayerfully, I hope this will happen for you!

  3. Christy LaShea says:

    But Cecelia, you found the time to write, because you’re finishing novels, so that’s what’s important. You’re pursuing your dream and one day, when the time is write you can quit the day job.

    Prayerfully, I hope this will happen for you!